MEN how to avoid shopping this Christmas

It's a well known fact that most guys are allergic to browsing the isles of stores, preferring to head straight to the department which will stock whatever they are looking for, buy what they came in for, and then make a quick exit. Job done.

Now a woman, she is compelled by the natural laws of physics , biology or whatever, to browse the isles, touching everything in sight, reading every label, and generally just hang out in every store until they know every product intimately. Nothing at all wrong with either of the two scenarios above, the problem arises when a woman insists on dragging her poor man along with her and causing extreme agony to her man.

Well guys, keep reading, I have a few tips and tricks you could use to your advantage to either get her to agree to let you do your own thing, and/or get you barred from any store you choose. Start your plan the next time you are dragged into the store:

Tip 1. Head straight to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

Tip 2. Whenever approached by a store assistant and asked if they can help you, start to scream and cry "Why can't you people just leave me alone"?

Tip 3. In the Houseware department, set every alarm clock to go off at five minute intervals.

Tip 4. Place boxes of condoms into everybody's cart while they're not looking.

Tip 5. Every time you come across those pesky "Caution-Wet Floor" signs, move them to carpeted areas.

Tip 6. Use security cameras as a mirror up close and pick your nose.

Tip 7. In the gun department, handle the guns, and when asked if they can help you, say "Yes, can you direct me to the anti-depressant counter?"

Tip 8. Occasionally, approach a store assistant, and in an official voice, say "Code 3 in Housewares, get onto it right away"!

Tip 9. In the Camping Department, ask other shoppers to bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department and put them into one of those large tents on display.

Tip 10. Practice your "Madonna Look" in the auto department with funnels of different sizes.

Tip 11. In the Ladies department, hide between the rails, and when browsers come near, jump up and shout "Pick Me-Pick Me"

Tip 12. Enter a fitting room, and yell "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here"

By employing any or all of these tips, you are guaranteed never to be dragged off to the store again.

I'm very interested in hearing about your methods to achieve the same result, so please feel free to add to my list in the comment section below. Happy Christmas (;-)

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